We Hope Your Shots are Current

A long, long time ago, in a land far, far way, an evolutionary biologist named Richard Dawkins hypothesized that ideas behaved much like genes, able to replicate and mutate. Whereas genes are the basic building blocks of organisms, ideas are the building blocks of societies. Like genes, ideas have one single purpose: to selfishly perpetuate their own existence in whatever manner they can. Dawkins then renamed ideas into “memes”, and like a self-fulfilling prophecy, the idea of memes took on a life of its own. Into the vast cybernetic organism known as the internet, the meme entered, and like a virus, spread, infecting individual cells with its insidious code. Bloggers once infected by the meme, are hijacked into replicating and spreading their memetic contagion. For a long time, the Fatosphere, due to the insulating and immune-boosting properties of fat, have been resistant to the plague.

Until now.

The Zaftig Chicks, heretofore to be known as Patient Zero, have coughed upon our titanic body a memetic equivalent of Filoviridae ebola, and now a hemmoragic fever doth spread upon our fair land.

And we, the Fat Sisters, along with our brethren, have fallen.

The rules of this virus are as follows:

1) Cough on 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you. Our blog has infected:

Hortus Deliciarum
Living 400
Round is a Shape
Nude Muse
Well Rounded Mama
Shapely prose
F-word
Big Liberty

2) Inform those 7 people they’ve been infected with HONEST SCRAP and explain to them these guidelines for managing the infection. (The link-ins will inform them.)

3) Share 10 “Honest” Things about yourself. Ready?

1. Jen and Rachel once walked to the next town over to find the body of a neighborhood kid who’d disappeared and was thought to have been killed by a train.
2. In her Junior year of High School, Jen had a one-time sexual encounter with her best friend and got pregnant. At first she thought she’d just get a speedy abortion but changed her mind at the last minute and ended up giving up the baby for adoption instead.
3. Jen and Rachel once had a business together selling handmade soap. They used the proceeds from the soap sales to build a global organization to help vent male aggression.
4. One year, our entire family decided to spend the holidays in Europe. It was great until we got to France and realized we had completely forgotten Rachel and left her at home. Everything turned out alright, though, because she was able to thwart the idiotic burglars who’d been planning to rob every house in our neighborhood.
5. When Jen and Rachel were little, their father took a job as a caretaker for an isolated hotel in the Colorado mountains. They spent the entire winter snowed in with the whole 5-star hotel to themselves. It was awesome and not at all scary or weird in any way.
6. Last year, Rachel was tortured and killed by an evil prince so Jen took her corpse to the local miracle man who made a chocolate pill which miraculously brought her back to life.
7. Jen and Rachel were once hired by a mobster to retrieve a very special and very mysterious briefcase from a group of witless young thugs. It did not end well for most parties involved.
8. Jen and Rachel once traveled back in time to find two humpback whales to bring back to the 24th century in order to save the earth from a deadly space probe that was vaporizing our oceans.
9. Jen and Rachel were entrusted with a magical but soul stealing ring and walked all the way to Mount Doom to destroy it.
10. When Rachel was in high school she dated the cutest boy in school, but he turned out to be a sparkly vampire.

WTF?!

Kirstie Alley has EIGHT ringtail lemurs? That is WAY more interesting than her fatz, to be honest. How come no one told me?!?!?! Thanks to jenfu for the link!

My disablity is not your diet plan.

Thanks to Zaftig Bianca for pointing out Dr. Mark Hyman’s article posted on HuffPo today. It got me thinking. I went gluten free last spring after testing done by my naturopathic physician indicated high sensitivities to gluten containing grains and beer (which also contains gluten). This means I cannot consume wheat, rye, barley, oats, and spelt in any form, nor can I have any food to which these grains or their derivatives have been added. After going gluten free, I soon learned that neither can I tolerate lactose, so I have also eliminated all dairy products from my diet as well. I have worked hard to avoid gluten and lactose as much as humanly possible over the past few months. This is a lot of work because, as it turns out, foods that come from places other than my home may or may not contain gluten and/or lactose in some form or another. This, coupled with my son’s multiple food allergies, has meant that we are no longer able to eat out. Ever. It has meant that I’ve become that crazy label scrutinizing lady in Trader Joe’s. You know, the one with a degree in food science in one hand and a magnifying glass in the other. It means that I cannot just pop into the drive through whenever I feel a little peckish. It means that I bring food I prepared myself  whenever I leave the house for more than an hour. It means that if it’s “company policy” not to allow outside food or drink, then I stay home.

Having food allergies and sensitivities turns out to be a huge deal. It sucks. It sucks huge fucking donkey cock. Yes, I am eating more healthfully that I have eaten for much of my adult life. And yes, I feel so much better than I have felt in a long time.* My mood is, for the most part, better. I have more energy, for the most part. But you know what? I would give anything to be able to think about food like a “normal” person again, to be able just hop in the car and drive over to McDonald’s for a Big Mac and a large fries, or down to the local chip shop (yes, there is an authentic, amazing, chip shop in my town) just once. But I can’t. Because if I do, I will spend the following three weeks in the digestive system equivalent of traction. And let me tell you, that sucks huge fucking donkey cock, too.

I don’t mean for this post to sound whiny or to diminish the experience of people with “real” disabilities,** but to just toss out “Hey fatsos, food allergies causes fatz!!” to the huddled, panicked, quivering OMGTEHFATZWILLKILLUSDEADERTHANDEAD masses is right up there with “Hack of a leg and lose 20 lbs!” as far as weight loss advice goes. Going gluten free represents a massive investment of time, energy (and money, people! You think rice/garbanzo/sorghum flour is cheap?!) and is a huge commitment, never mind having to deal with other food allergies like peanut and soy. It is not something to be undertaken lightly or without some degree of sadness. Having a gluten intolerance (or celiac’s disease or food allergies) isn’t the same as Weight Watchers. You can’t just stop going.

*I had a cluster of moderate to severe symptoms that have either mostly abated or have gone away completely.
**You know, the ones recognized by the ADA, although I would argue that having Celiac’s disease or a Gluten Intolerance or any food allergy would (and should) fall under the provisions of the ADA.