The Begining is Here and Now

I don’t hate my body. I do not believe I am unattractive or repulsive. But I don’t fully like or love my body: I have a long way yet to go to achieve body acceptance.

There are parts of my body that I sometimes dislike. The cellulite on my ass and thighs, the pooch on my belly. My heavy, pendulous breasts. There are times when I indulge in the fantasy of being thin, when I wish I looked like that impossible ideal of beauty, and everything good that supposedly comes with being thin and beautiful would just fall from the sky like a life-giving rain.

But I know it is only a fantasy. I never will have that willowy body so touted by the arbiters of beauty. Nothing I do will give me that body. Diets don’t work, and no buts will make my butt smaller than it wants to be. And in all honesty, that is okay with me, because I don’t really hate my body. My body is what it is and it is–in its own way–completely beautiful. I know that no body is beautiful to everyone and every body is beautiful to someone.

But there’s more to my body issues than just being fat. I am also disabled. My disability is part of my body and it too has been cause for ridicule and rejection. It is also something I still struggle to embed in the wider world of social acceptance. I sometimes succumb to the fear that my body, my fat and my disability, will make it impossible for me, single at 30, to ever find that someone who can and will love me, all of me, exactly as I am. My ex, sadly, was not able to, and that has weakened the confidence I had struggled to gain all through my 20s. So I must begin anew, on a different road to the same destination.

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