HAES Stream-of-Consciousness or The Run-on Run-down

Hmm, not doing so good. I’m not eating the foods that make my body feel light and energetic and happy. Instead, I’m eating too much junk and stuff like soda and chocolate and beige foods, as well as foods I might have actual intolerances to, like cheese, or sugar, or wheat–this is definitely a matter I need to get tested, so I know what to avoid in order to eat without worrying if I’m gonna feel sick afterwards.

A little light to moderate walking from shopping and my night job as a maid. I would rather find something more fun, like swimming, biking, hiking, maybe even jogging if I could manage to do more than 50 yards of gasping sprints.I’ve finally got an inhaler so maybe I won’t be gasping, and I think I will soon be buying a memebership to the local Y for the swimming. But there’s still something that makes me dread the whole jogging and exercize in public thing, that makes me feel self-conscious; as if people are judging my fatty fat ass:”oh look she’s so fat she jiggles so much she’s trying to lose weight yay fatty jiggly mcfat ass! Harhar!”

Been gaining weight and not liking it one bit. I don’t mind being the way I was 6 months ago, at 160 and a size 12…but I hate that I’m gaining, that have packed on 15 pounds (ZOMG deathfats!!!), and I want it to stop or no one will ever find me attractive or love me or want to spoil me lavishly and make me feel good about myself (even though I’m not even interested in falling in love and getting into the whole relationships bullshit again), and fuck, I know diets never work, but maybe If I just eat a little less chocolate and a little more lettuce and get off my ass or something maybe I’ll be skinny again! And shit motherfucker, I don’t want to have to go shopping AGAIN for new clothes that FIT; I need that money for other stuff and I LIKE my skinny clothes, gawd!

Still working on it.