Feeling Fat. Or something.

For the past few weeks, I’d been experiencing what I used to call “feeling fat”. I felt sluggish, grumpy, and twitchy, and my inner monologue, in spite of my best efforts, had been focused on either bad body talk or feelings of guilt and shame about eating. I’d given in to the intense cravings for sugar and fat, to the point of bingeing, or close to it, and frankly, I felt awful. And it was getting worse. I could feel Depression, swirling like a fog around my feet, ready to pull me under.

Before FA, whenever I was feeling fat, the first thing I would do was either to resolve to stricter adherence to the advice of whichever diet guru was getting the most media attention that week, or to get “back on track with tracking” if I happened to be doing Weight Watchers at that moment. But now that I’ve been moving toward FA, the quandary had been in trying to puzzle out how to approach “feeling fat” from a HAES perspective. Given that all my clothes still fit me and I could still get my wedding ring on, chances are I was roughly the same weight I was before I started “feeling fat”. So what, then, was that all about?

The other night, as I polished off the value bag of candy corn from Target, I realized suddenly that it wasn’t so much that I’d been feeling “fat”, but more that I hadn’t been doing the things that feel good. Fresh veg had practically disappeared from my diet and I couldn’t remember the last time I had worked up a good sweat. Was it possible that my body was craving exercise and veggies?

So, that night, I got up on my elliptical (something which I had used for punishment in the past, but this time because I had a sneaking suspicion it might feel good to do it) and did a full sweaty huffy puffy 12 minutes. It felt so good that I did it again the next day. I also made a special effort to add vegetables back in to my diet. (I made a sort of ratatouille thing with zucchini, tomato, and mushrooms. It was so delicious!) And guess what! After only a couple of days of doing something other than sitting at the computer eating candy corn, I don’t feel “fat” any more! Yes, I am still technically fat, but I no longer feel sluggish or tired or grumpy. While I do still have ADHD, that twitchy, unfocused feeling has abated, and I actually feel better about myself!

Imagine that. Life needs balance.

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