Out of Balance

Last week I had some blood work done and got back some results that would have a “regular” doctor saying “You are such a fatty fat fatty, and if you don’t go on a diet and lose weight, you are going to go to hell and DIE.” Luckily it wasn’t a “regular” doctor, but my naturopath, who had ordered the tests. “Normally, I would think insulin resistence,” he said, indicating my elevated triglycerides levels, “but I’m not convinced, mainly because of where your other numbers fall. In fact, I think this result could be a fluke, so we’ll check it again in a few months.”

Of course, I am well aware that IR is considered “pre-diabetes”, so as soon as I got home, I did some internet reading, and struggled to keep a lid on the anxiety I began to feel. I do have other symptoms of IR, elevated but not high BP, for one, and I started to freak out. OMG, I’M GOING TO HELL AND I’M GOING TO DIE!!! But then I took a deep breath, because as I continued to read, I realized a few things. Yes, IR seems to be somehow correlated with fat, but none of what I read was able to say HOW they were correlated. Some sources seemed to say that being fat causes IR, other sources say the opposite. The more I read, the more it became clear that no one really seems to understand the mechanism by which this all happens and what it really means. That being said, the one thing everyone seems to be able to agree on is that exercise, getting that sugar out of your blood and into your cells where it can be used, helps increase your insulin sensitivity, and that is good for everyone.

To be honest, possible IR isn’t much of a surprise to me. Lately, my life has gotten out of balance. I haven’t much felt like exercising, so I just haven’t. I’ve never been much of an exerciser. I don’t enjoy it.  I’m miserable while it’s happening. Seriously, exercising makes me feel like I’m going to die. I hate it. Hate. Sure, I feel great afterward when all the endorphins hit, but while it’s happening it feels like the worst thing ever. EVAR. I have yet to find a sweat-inducing form of cardio that actually feels good while I’m doing it. I guess a couple of months ago I gave myself permission not to do cardio and kept telling myself that I would only do yoga, but that never materialized. I just kept doing other things, never making time for it. But you know what? There’s a reason that movement is one of the components of HAES. The body needs movement, not just to “balance” the “calories in-calories out” equation, but to keep joints lubricated and tendons flexible. And movement is vital to the body’s chemistry.


So what that means for me is I just need to suck it up and deal, to be a grown up, a better parent to myself, and just fucking do it. And yes, I know, “find the right activity, the one you LIKE to do”.  :-P  There just isn’t one. Well, maybe the yoga is tolerable.