Just A Number
So, I’ve been gaining weight for a while, ever since I broke up with my ex Valentines Day 2009. It is only natural that I should gain, since before the breakup, I had been depressed and stressed and didn’t eat and lost some weight. Then after we split, I became a whole lot less active, but started to eat again, so I got bigger. I could tell because my clothes got tight, and I had to shop for new pants and bras twice. It seems to have leveled off now. I must confess that I really hope I have leveled off and stopped gaining because a) I’m sick of shopping for pants and bras, y’all and b) I am a couple pounds shy of the Big 200.
Yeah, I weighed myself. Went to a naturopath appointment, way back in January, and out of some morbid curiosity regarding the fatness of my body, stepped on the scale. I really wish I hadn’t weighed myself, because when I saw “197” I had an OMGNOT200!DOOOOOOM! moment.
But why? Why is that number so horrible? Its just a number: whether I weigh 199 pounds or 201 doesn’t change me, or any of us, as human beings. Even if our culture does decree that it shall be the Magic Cutoff of Worth(TM). Too many women subscribe to it, like Oprah, and I don’t want to be one of them.
So, since Janurary, I’ve been telling myself that 200 is just a number and that it does not really reflect my actual shape and size and WORTH of my body and myself. It does not make me any less desirable–in fact, while it lowers my attractiveness for some men, it raises it for others, and for the men I ultimately wish to meet and date, it has no bearing whatsoever. And I believe that, seriously, but gaining all that weight still bummed me out, because, yo, shrinking clothes suck.
Yet even with all that internal pep-talking, and the reinforcing I got from y’all, the Fatosphere, I still felt like crap. Of course, I had been feeling like crap for a long time, since before my ex and I split. I thought it was due to my several food intolerances, diagnosed just this October. Eliminating gluten and caffeine from my diet has done tremendous amounts of wonders for my sense of health and well-being. But even though I slept better and lived better (not dealing with painful abdominal cramping and diarrhea after EVERY goddamned meal) I still felt like crap. My energy levels went up, and my mental stability improved, but I still felt sluggish, weak, bloated, out-of-breath, tired, irritable, impatient, and flat out ugly and undesirable. In short, I felt “FAT”. (I use this phrase not to comdemn fatness, but because it is the term so many American women–maybe even other english-speaking women and men?–use to describe their discomfort with their bodies.)
I refuse to diet, in any form. They don’t work long-term and instead just make you hungry and angry and stressed and self-hating, and then you start yo-yoing and shit. I just refuse to go down that road. Hell, my diet is restricted enough as it is, being gluten-intolerant. In fact, I refuse to get sucked into the whole wish-fullfillment trap of the Fantasy of Being Thin, and I have rebelliously denied that fantasy by eating whatever the fuck I wanted, when I wanted. But that hasn’t made my crappy-body feelings go away.
Then a couple months ago, it came to me. I need to move, be active. I used to hike and walk a lot, before the ex and I went splitsville. And my healthier diet and better sleeping habits expanded my energy reserves. But I haven’t been active at all since the breakup. I just work, eat, read, and sleep.
So, I joined a gym.
I hate gyms. I hate machines and the whole thin=fit culture rampant in gyms. But this gym is the regional YMCA. Its got a POOL. Two, in fact. Most gyms in this area of the country just don’t have pools (don’t ask me why, cuz I sure don’t know). I love, love, LOVE to swim, and hadn’t been swimming since I moved out here. And since the whole tenet of HAES is to find activities one loves to do, I opted to join the Y.
I’ve gone 3 times since joining on the 1st. And, y’all, I’m so glad I did this. Swimming makes me feel euphoric and relaxed, calm and tired, and at peace with the cold cruel world. It makes me feel strong. And since I’m not focused on BEING SKINNY, I can actually enjoy feeling my body glide through the water. I can enjoy the bubbling hot tub. I can meditate in the steam room. I can watch the Zumba chicks dance and say “that looks fun, I will try that next week.” And best of all, I can climb on the locker room scale, see the numbers say “197” and NOT GIVE A FUCK, cuz, y’all I feel great! 200 really IS just a number. Whether I am above or below that “magic cuttoff of worth”, I”m still me. I’m still here. Am I still fat? Hell, yeah. Do I still “feel FAT”? Hell, no. And that’s all anyone, thin or fat, can ask for; our worth and our ability to feel good and be worthy, does not depend on some damn number.
Jazz 1:37 pm on June 14, 2010 Permalink
I need to move too. I mean I really need to move. Because otherwise I think I’m going to become one with the couch… Forget couch potato, I AM the couch.
Somehow though, I just can’t seem to get off the damn thing.
Rachel 4:16 pm on June 14, 2010 Permalink
LOL. all I advise you is do find an activity you enjoy, something that feels like play or is pleasurable, and do it when you want to, and dont give a fig for “results”. However, the “wanting” to is the tough part, and I cant help ya there. Plus, girl, you just got back from vacation in Brittany. you need to relax!
Living 400lbs 3:45 pm on June 14, 2010 Permalink
I toured a bunch of gyms a few years ago, and I noticed the Y had a much more kid-friendly vibe. If anything, the kid-friendly kind of reduced the lose-weight and be-sexy focuses, which I thought was nice. Have you noticed anything like that?
(Of course not all Ys are the same, just as all 24Hr Fitness or Gold’s or Curves are the same….)
Rachel 4:20 pm on June 14, 2010 Permalink
This Y is definitely family-centered, focused on providing clean, safe facilities and programs for the community. Its all about being active and healthy of course, but there’s nothing on the walls that pushes the obesity doom rhetoric. But then again, I haven’t yet taken any of the fitness classes or personal training or nutrition services. And even if I did, as a deaf person, I’m pretty insulated from that shit. Yay me.
dominique 3:55 pm on June 14, 2010 Permalink
Ya, I know that. If I hadn’t started crazy dieting at 12 years old b-cuz a friggin asshole Doc told me «you are very obese» I’d probably be 160 pounds again. However, after years and years of disordered eating, diets, exercise and obsessing about weight I’m 232 and struggling because it still tends to make me sick. I say to myself that I’ll never diet again b-cuz that’s what got me there. DIET MADE ME ZOMGDEATHFAT. So SCREW YOU Doc Whatever, and miss, keep in mind that it’s just a number. You’re doing well and it’ll prevent you from keeping putting on, I’m sure. Keep on HAES- ing. xxxx
Rachel 5:03 pm on June 14, 2010 Permalink
thanks! I am also leery of doctors because of that increasingly vitriolic fat hate. I dont even have a personal physician, excepting my gyno and my naturopath.
maggiemunkee 4:01 pm on June 14, 2010 Permalink
tangentially: i have recently returned to my gym after taking a few months off due to a severe first lupus flare. for funsies, i got on the scale. it read 135. i was baffled – i haven’t weighed that little since grammar school. and because at my last doctor appointment i weighed 300 on the nose.
someone had switched the digital screen from pounds to kilograms. HA!
Rachel 5:04 pm on June 14, 2010 Permalink
LMAO.
btw, metric is for heathens. YES! ;)
Anna 7:03 pm on June 14, 2010 Permalink
What a great post, and something I definitely needed this morning. I put on a bunch of weight when I went overseas, and since then have been hovering around 90kg, which is my cutoff number because omg 90kg is what my MOTHER weighs. Heaven forfend!
Being active certainly does make a difference. I LOVE the gym, and I also do roller derby and volleyball. Being able to focus on what my body can do rather than what it looks like is really helpful. I hate that that’s been swayed recently by unsolicited comments on how I dress.
You know what, I think I might actually go swimming this week too. You’ve inspired me. Thankyou!
CTJen 6:51 pm on June 16, 2010 Permalink
forfend is a great word! LOL!
Heidi 6:37 pm on June 15, 2010 Permalink
Maybe it’s a crazy question…but can you just ditch the weighing? If it really doesn’t matter (unless you have a health condition that warrants keeping an eye on your weight because of meds, etc.), why bother with knowing the numbers at all?
I don’t know many people who can truly look at numbers on a scale without feeling any kind of emotional response, because that scale is *triggering*! If you are one of those people, great…otherwise, just ditch it. THAT was one of the most freeing things I’ve ever done!
CTJen 6:52 pm on June 16, 2010 Permalink
“Maybe it’s a crazy question…but can you just ditch the weighing?”
So. Much. This.